Not what I expected it to be

I really need to…

Start posting here. I’ve had a lot of things going on lately. Most just becoming more active in the community. Learning more and more everyday about queer theory and gender issues. And learning a lot about myself, trying to figure myself out. I’ve chosen a new name which makes me so so happy. My one prof. actually switched pronouns, which I didn’t request, but was ridiculously awesome nontheless. As far as gender identity goes right now, I don’t feel as though I am either of the binary genders. Mika calls me trans and uses masculine pronouns, which is fine. In a way I feel a tad uncomfortable with identifying as trans even though it is an umbrella term. I just feel like if I Trans, people will automatically assume I want to TRANSITION, which is a definite no. I love my vagina and reproductive system. As ridiculous as this may sound, it makes me feel powerful, and I love it. I wouldn’t mind having top surgery though. I’m afraid that I will not be accepted by the trans community because of my decision to not take hormones or alter my body. I haven’t even really mentioned this to my parents/family. I don’t really talk about it to my non-queer friends either. My parents have seen my name change but haven’t refered to me as Ryan. I’ve started becoming extremely uncomfortable when refered to by my birth name. I am really happy though. Happy learning about myself, happy with the person I am becoming, happy with the wonderful people that surround me. I’m lucky.

“There are transgender people who are not male or female and don’t want surgery. They’re called non-binaries, and I hope that someday they will be treated with more respect, support in society and awareness.”